Once again it looks like I'm headed for a sleepless night. The insomnia monkey is riding me something awful tonight. I guess I'll surf the web for as long as I can stand to sit in this chair, then I'll put in my book on cd and finish listening to Baby Brother's Blues by Pearl Cleage.

This blogging thing seems to help me clear my mind, I wish I would have started doing it sooner. I still have a bad case of CRS (Can't Remember Shit) from the fibromyalgia. Sometimes I can't remember if I've taken my meds and have to run the risk of od'ing cause I dont keep up how many pills I should have left in the bottle. I tried to do that one week but it was just not worth the hassle. I had to write it down everytime I took my meds and sometimes I forgot to write it down and others times I forgot where I put the pad that I was writing on. Ugh!

Many people call Fibro the silent disease cause you dont look sick. People look at me crazy when I park in the handicapped space and get out looking perfectly normal. Sometimes i roll my eyes at them in a "screw you" kind of gesture, but what I really want to do is flick them the finger. Thy don't know what I'm going through and the fact that probably the day before I wasn't even able to get out of the bed unassisted, let alone take a trip to the store.

They say I shouldn't push myself too far...take it slow and easy, cause I'll pay for it the next day. Kinda hard to take it slow and easy when I have an active 14mth old runnung around getting into everything. When i don't sleep at night that's usually a sign of a pending bad morning and day.

Hands are stiffening....gotta go....the rigor's creeping in.

I hate liars! Sometimes I wish all of them would drop dead. Not the people who tell and occasional lie here and there, but the people who practice lying. They lie about any and everything. It's almost as if telling the truth was this far out concept that they can't comprehend... even if their lives depended on it.

This is all probably very hypocritical coming from and ex-compulsive liar. When I was a kid I would lie about everything. It was as if the there had to be some kind of lunar aligning of the son, moon, and  stars in order for me to tell the truth. I just didn't think the truth was ever enough...it just didn't seem to fit. Either it wasn't exciting enough, or it wasn't funny enough, or it just was too embarassing and painful to share. When i was lying it was like I was being taken away in another life... which was good for me cause there were many times I needed a break from reality. One day when I was in 10th grade, all the lies began to catch up with me and it wasn't a pretty sight. I couldn't hold it together anymore and there was a line of people waiting to kick my butt over something I said about them. All I could do was tell the truth and apologize and hope that was enough. It wasn't. They hated me and made sure the rest of the school knew it.

When I was caught up in the game of lies, being lied to didn't affect me at all. I honestly didn't even think about it at all, most times. I was so caught up in my own game of deceit, that what other people said didn't matter much to me. The way I saw it was.... in the end they were going to be the one who's played cause I was a genius at my craft.

After that incident I knew I had to stop it but I didn't know quite how to go about it. I know the simple answer was to just tell the truth, but when you've been lying soooo long, sometimes you can't distinguish the truth from a lie. There are memories and stories from my childhood that I can't honestly remember if they really happened or if I made them all up. Towards the end of my 10th grade year I was chosen to participate in dual enrollment for the remaining two years of high school and I jumped at the chance. I could get away from the school, meet new people and try to start over.

I practiced telling the truth or just saying nothing at all, the summer before 11th grade. It wasn't easy. The temptation was so great. I had to find some other way to get my high.... my escape from reality. By the time school started in the fall I was ready to be better. It took me a while, but I eventually got it together. I met new people and made new friendships and I was just me. If something was too painful or embarassing to tell, I'd just keep my mouth shut. If the truth wasn't exciting enough...oh well. Trust me, this wasn't an easy task for me. There were times I felt like my insides were going to burst if I didn't exaggerate just a little bit.

All those years of lying left it's residue on my life and it caused me to be very cynical, observant, and attentive to the things people say.... not to take anything at face value. It turned me into a walking lie detector. When I saw the new show, Lie to Me, coming out on tv I thought, "I'd be perfect for that show cause I can see a lie coming 5 miles away". I watch people's body language when they speak.... the way they shift around. The suttle things like eye contact and blinking. Even the way they pause, or not, between words.... cause the truth ain't hard to tell at all. It's the lies that take work. There are those people who are much like I was and can lie with a straight face in all confidence about the color of the sky...and do it so well that they believed it and you'd question if the sky was really blue at all. But even those kind of people can be caught, if you know what to look for.

This human lie detector thing has really taken it's toll on me though. I want to believe that people are inherently good and worthy of trust. Most people are....until they lie to me. The worst liars are the people who lie to you, not only for no reason at all.....but the ones who tell unsolicited lies. The ones who burst into your conversation with someone else, to tell you that they too have been through what you are talking about or know someone's sister's, cousin's, uncle's, baby momma's, brother who has. Or that they used to have one of the things you're talking about or been to the place your were discussing.....twice. Ugh!!!!!!! I just want to slap them and then rip off their heads and spit down their necks. Instead, I just roll my eyes as hard as I can, sigh, and continue with my conversation like they didn't just interrupt me. Liars make my flesh crawl. You stankin, dirty liars are not worthy of the air you breathe.

I guess this is my punishment for being an ex- stankin, dirty liar. Karma sucks!

Yesterday while shopping at WalMart I decided to pick up a "just because" card for my fiance'. I went to the Halmark Expressions section cause they always seem to have a nice card there that says exactly what I'm feeling. I picked up card after card from the I love you row and half way through them all I'd make a determination that this isin't the right one. "I'll love you forever" read one card...... nah I don't feel like that.  "Since you came into my life everything has been better" read the next one... uh, that's a lie. Back in the stack you go. After 20 minutes of searching I couldn't find one card to express how I felt.

This escapade sent my mind racing.... am I that complicated that I can't find one card, just one to express my feelings. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks...... I am not IN love with him anymore. Whew.... what a conclusion. I guess all the unfulfilled promises, selfish acts, and mean words have taken it's toll on my feelings. Now I'm at the crossroad of "what do I do next". How do you tell someone that you are no longer in love with them without hurting their feelings? This situation is plaguing my mind. I love him and wouldn't want anything bad to happen to him, but I don't have that, "I want to spend the rest of my days with him" feeling anymore.

With him things are never easy, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. He likes to act tough but he's a ball of silly putty inside. We need to at least be friends for our son's sake, but I know it wont work out that way. This is all his fault. I've been tying to explain to him how the things he does, doesn't do after promising to do them, and the mean vindictive words were affecting me and our relationship. He refuses to be proactive and thinks it's okay to do or say whatever in the moment as long as he apologizes for it later. I told him that the day would come when "I'm sorry" wouldn't be enough.

In the words of Usher...... I guess I've gotta..... Let it Burn.

I've been a member here on mindsay for about a year now and never wrote a blog. I just signed up originally to read a friend of mine's blogs. I think it's time I start to write so I can clear my head of some of these toughts and maybe create some extra space in there so I wont keep forgetting everything.

After 7 years of suffering to the point I can barely walk most days..... on Aug 21, 2008 i was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I remember sitting in the doctor's office thinking, "So I'm not crazy and making up stuff in my head and now I can be cured". My bubble was quickly burst when my Rheumatologist finished his sentence with, "there's no cure for your condition and we don't know why it happens.....we can only try and treat you symptoms". Darn, and I thought I was gonna get my life back to normal. The name of this condition should be "rob you of your life and make you feel like crap on a stick syndrome. I have taken soooo many drugs and NOTHING works to relieve my pain except narcotic drugs. Which I'm not sure if it they really take the pain away because 20 minutes after I take it, I'm sleep for 6 hours straight. I don't get to take these drugs often cause I'm a stay at home mom of a 14mth old son so sleeping for 6 hours in the middle of the day just aint gonna happen. Oh well, this is the hand I've been dealt so I try to make the best of it.

This condition has certainly made me more aware of everything that happens around me. I try to savor every moment, take more risks, and do new things when I can tolerate it. I try to have the best life I can in between my fibro flares wish usually put me on my back for 2 to 3 days. I have also begun to write down stuff.... even small things that maybe insignificant to others to help me in my quest to cherish and make the best of my life since this condition tends to rob me of my short term memory as well as my eyesight.

I've finally, after 6 months of trying to regulate this condition I decided with the urging of my PCP to apply for disability. The process has been a little more intense than I'd imagined. They send you 10 pages to fill out on you work history for the past 15 years and all these questions about how your condition affects your everyday life. I understand they need as much info as possible to make a determination but for someone who is suffering from fibromyalgia, this is torture. I can barely remember what happened yesterday, let alone ALL the jobs I've have for the last 15 years. And 10 pages takes a long time to fill out and for someone who cant sit in an upright position for more that 45 min without my muscles seemingly going into rigor and making it almost impossible to get up, it's a nightmare. I've been working on this stuff for 5 days now.

Gotta go... I feel the rigor coming on.